Caregiver Guilt: Confessions of a Walking Glue Stick
By Dr. Linda Cobourn
My father-in-law
blamed me. It was unreasonable, hurled out of frustration while we stood in the
trauma unit, waiting to see if my husband would survive. I was thirty miles
away in a graduate class when the driver of the pick-up truck broadsided Ron’s
Taurus, but the reproach stayed with me for seventeen years.
I’m a walking glue
stick.
Guilt is a common
emotion for those who find themselves in the position of caregiver. The 2015 State of Caregiving Report noted
that 81% of spousal caregivers feel guilty, making guilt the #1 emotional trap.
We think we should do it all without complaint and we become frustrated with
ourselves because we can’t. We self-punish for simply being human. I beat myself up for an accident I did not
cause, questioning every decision I made concerning my husband’s care. Yes, I
agreed to the emergency surgery and it damaged his heart. My fault. Yes, I let
him be put into the rehab unit where his slippers were misplaced and he caught
pneumonia. My fault. I even had occasional thoughts that it might
have been better if Ron had not survived the accident.
That thought stuck on
with Gorilla Glue.
But God is a solvent to
even the strongest of adhesives. I began to search the Scriptures for a way to
dislodge my self-reproach. One day, I was led to this verse in Joshua 5:9:
This day have I rolled away the reproach of Egypt from
you.
The Israelites had
been so beaten down by 430 years of slavery they no longer believed God could
love them. Before they entered the Promised Land, God told them that the shame
they carried was rolled off them. They were not stuck with the reproach of
Egypt. They could stop being walking glue sticks.
So could I. It took
time, prayer, and counsel from friends to realize that the guilt I bore was
irrational. I held myself responsible for things that were not my
responsibility. God had forgiven my shortcomings; I needed to forgive myself.
Time to learn to be more like rubber, repelling thoughtless remarks.
Just the other day,
someone ventured to criticize a decision I’d made for my husband’s well-being.
I let it bounce off me.
Because it really is
better to be rubber.
ABOUT
Dr. Linda Cobourn is a Literacy Specialist who
works with at-risk learners and non-traditional college students. She
holds Instructional II certificates from Pennsylvania and Delaware in
Elementary Education K-6 and Reading PK-12. Dr. Cobourn earned her doctoral degree
in Educational Leadership, focusing on the use of critical literacy in middle
school. Currently, she teaches at Springfield College in Wilmington. She was
recently cited by the Mayor of Philadelphia for her work constructing literacy
programs for inner-city youth. She is the author of three published books and
writes a blog at http://writingonthebrokenroad.blogspot.com/
Wow, Linda! Thanks for sharing these truths. God bless you (and that's something to stick to!)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your journey with us, Linda. It's hard to let such comments roll off us, for sure, and so easy to believe those lies and accusations from the enemy. May you--and all of us--continue to hear and receive God's love and forgiveness instead.
ReplyDeleteJenny, thank you for letting me share my words here!
ReplyDeleteThanks for coming. I so identified as a carer for an elderly mother. It was different but I knew the guilt. My guilt was I would visit mum at the nursing home after she had to go after breaking her leg. I would go visit and deal with her issues and leave wishing I never had to go back and then feel so guilty for feeling like that. Its not an easy road to travel and I am sure being a carer for a spouse is even harder.
ReplyDeleteJenny, I have learned a lot over the last 17 years. God has been faithful in my journey and now He is encouraging me to share my walk with others.
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