Please Like Me!

Please Like Me

A few months ago Paula Vince posted a fascinating article at vincereview.blogspot.com.au about why people don’t leave comments on blog posts. The discussion was illuminating. Many people commented (ironic?) offering various reasons from previous comments being misunderstood to the challenges of technology. What was agreed was the need to continue to support each other in promoting and encouraging each other on this writing (and publishing) journey.

I have a similar question. Why don’t people press like on a Facebook post?

It’s a simple thing. Press the like button, or if you want to invest a little more, hold the like button to get an emotion (love, haha, wow, sadness, anger). Hey, if you really care, write a comment. What puzzles me is how people can ‘see’ an article and just move on, not even acknowledging they’ve read it. Especially when it’s such a simple thing to press ‘like’.

I’m a relative newbie to Facebook, having only been on since 2014. Prior to that I couldn’t really see the point, as I felt social media had the potential offering a sheeny-shiny, shallow artificial connection that made users think they really were connected, at the expense of real deep relationships earned over years. Turns out I was right. And wrong. Wrong because Facebook can be more than just a friendship-meter, tracking your popularity (ugh! who wants to revisit those high-school days? Oh wait…) It has the opportunity to connect acquaintances (those from Omega conferences, etc), to share useful information (I’ve learned HEAPS about writing from my ACW friends) or track how a loved one far away is doing (not in some creepy stalker-like way!). My sister has lived overseas for the past four years, first in England, now in Canada. Her photos of her many trips have been (literally) eye-opening, and something that Facebook expedites, as opposed to an email with a link to download her photos via the Cloud or Onedrive or some other method of streaming photos. Facebook can be good. But it has a downside, too.

Did you know social media can be like a drug? In 2012, a Harvard University study on social media found that talking about oneself through social media activates a pleasure sensation in the brain usually associated with food, money and sex (www.pnas.org/content/109/21/8038). Dopamine – that organic chemical in our brains – is released when we get a response, whether it’s a ‘like’, or a text, or our tweet re-tweeted. Dopamine – that same sensation that occurs for gamblers, smokers, drinkers – is highly addictive. We want more, more, more – we become insane by greed! (to quote Barbara Cartland 😁).

Getting likes makes us feel good. (Hello?) But what if we don’t get the ‘likes’ we crave? What if the post we craft, or the news we think so amazing, earns the social media equivalent of a dismissive eye-rolled ‘whatever’?

The drug that makes us check our status before saying good morning to our spouse, that makes us upload photos of meals or check our phones instead of talking to our dates, that makes us think about our emails rather than actively engage in work discussions – this drug has the potential to cost relationships. Motivational speaker Simon Sinek explains it clearly here: youtu.be/jeAtNduPFmI

Rather than listening to people to truly hear we listen to craft our reply. Rather than spending time, lots of time, with those who see us at our best AND worst – those who truly know us – we look for affirmation from those we barely know. Those very same people whose indifference is revealed by their scrolling past your post to find another more titillating, more worthy of a ‘like’.

Have you ever had to ‘go dark with social media? Take time away because it just doesn’t make you feel good anymore? I have. (Honesty time here). Sometimes I’m just not secure enough to cope with the plethora of information Facebook bombards my feed with. Sometimes I’ve unfollowed people because my ‘highlight reel’ cannot compare to theirs, and instead of getting that ‘feel good’ hit, I get a shot of ‘feel bad’ 😢. Sometimes I re-follow them, sometimes not. I know my posts have the potential to make others feel the same way. I try to make my posts positive, to be light and salt, to not add to the negativity so prevalent in certain circles (aka the news). I don’t actively go out of my way to make people feel less (does that sound arrogant? SO don’t mean to be; hear my heart). My sister told me about a Facebook ‘friend’ who posted about her amazing boyfriend who just graduated medical school, finishing her elation with a breathily snide ‘what has YOUR boyfriend done recently?’

Ouch.

Narcissistic, perhaps?

Insensitive, much?

People who spend more time on Facebook suffer from higher rates of depression than those who don’t. ‘Seeing everyone else’s highlight reels: how Facebook usage is linked to depressive symptoms’ was published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology in 2014. In it, there’s a clear link showing studies provide evidence that people feel depressed after spending a great deal of time on Facebook because they feel badly when comparing themselves to others. (Read more: http://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.8.701)

I’m an introvert by nature. Sure, I can put on a smile and, given the right circumstances, act like the life of the party (I’m not pathologically introverted!) – even if I find myself exhausted at the end. Being introverted means I worry about what others think. Sometimes I can even obsess over it, wondering what people REALLY meant, rather than taking their words at face value. Sometimes I feel emotionally fragile, and can go to a dark place, my ‘cave’ where I can only cope with those I know who truly love me, despite my flaws.

Some of you may be aware that in a few short weeks my debut Regency ‘The Elusive Miss Ellison’ releases in the US. I’m very aware that there will be negative reviews and potential for 1 star ratings - not because I think my book is bad! – but because that’s the nature of putting your creativity out into the world for assessment. What one person loves another loathes. I get that.

I’m learning (still learning!) that my security is not to be found in other’s opinions, not to be found in comparing myself to others, but to be found in Jesus Christ.

I am not the sum total of ‘likes’ received.

I am the child of the King. Chosen for His purpose. Appointed, anointed to share His love and light and hope, especially through the medium of words.

Australasian Christian writer – you are, too. Beloved, anointed, appointed by the King.

When I remember this, when my focus is on God, who truly has my best interests at heart, then my heart lifts, and I’m reminded of the bigger God-picture, the bigger God-purpose that instills confidence and hope in my future. I need to feed on the truth of His word rather than the feeds of the often faceless popularity-pollsters in the virtual world. When I notice I’m addicted to other’s opinions, ‘going dark’ on social media might be the detox I require to get the balance right, aided by an increased dose of Bible, prayer and praise.

My prayer is as I continue this writing journey, with all its ups and downs, that I – and you – will know deep within our soul that ‘likes’ don’t need to matter as much as His love.

His love – the true hope for all the world.

Your turn:

What makes you ‘like’ or simply pass by a post?

Have you ever had to ‘go dark’ to save your soul? If so, what helped you ‘rebalance’?

Carolyn Miller lives in the beautiful Southern Highlands of New South Wales, Australia, with her husband and four children. A longtime lover of romance, especially that of the Regency era, Carolyn holds a BA in English Literature, and loves drawing readers into fictional worlds that show the truth of God’s grace in our lives. Her Regency novel 'The Elusive Miss Ellison' will be published in the US by Kregel in February 2017. She is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of the Steve Laube Agency.

Connect with her:    www.carolynmiller.org    

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