The heart of the story

By Jenny Glazebrook

Have you ever taught something you thought you understood, and then found that really, you had no idea?

Take this quote for example.

I remember someone saying it at an Omega Writers’ Conference several years back and it stuck with me. It made so much sense. I taught it to others and was passionate about its truth.

I thought I knew how to do it – how to ‘kill my darlings’ and allow my work to be edited without clinging to my raw, heartfelt, flowing, first words.

I knew I must cling to the heart of my story and let everything else go.

But now I have a new publisher. I am excited that she believes in my ability enough to invest in me. What a privilege. I owe it to her to listen to her expertise. So what is the 'but'? 

She has asked me to sculpt my novel to under half the size of the original. 

That's 130,000 words which I thought formed a beautiful masterpiece, but which I now need to see as a clumpy, raw piece of wood with which to work. 130,000 words which came from my heart. 130,000 words which were finalist in a competition, which have touched hearts, which come from my life, my very soul.

I need to cut the word count back to 60,000. I need to modernise the 20 year old language and characters. I need to change the title. I need to change from third person to first person. In short, I need to hold the heart of the story in my hands and re-write almost every single word.

The doubts creep in. If it’s not good enough as it is, can I even write at all? I can’t believe all the mistakes the publisher picked up when I thought I’d fixed them, all the ideas she suggested I need to change and hone. I was humbled when she pointed out the techniques I’ve taught others but failed to carry out myself. 

What do I think I’m doing? Who do I think I am?

It feels too hard, too big a project. I’ve had 4 children since I wrote that first version and I’m sure I’ve lost brain cells since then. I can’t even remember where I put my pen a few moments ago. I’ve tried to re-write the story but it’s so close to me I can’t let go of the old. I worry: will readers still connect with my characters if I take out all the details, back-up characters, plot ideas? I love all the characters. I love the witty banter. It's part of me.

I’ve tried changing font type and font size to give me a fresh perspective. Why can’t I let it go?

I'm not proud enough to think I know more than my experienced publisher. There is obviously a lot I can do to improve; to reach excellence. And I know God can use anybody. He doesn't even need me. I know it in my head, so why won't my heart listen?

And what is the heart of my story? Really?

That’s my greatest fear: what if I lose the heart of the story? What if it slips through my fingers with the words? What if God isn’t in it this time? What if I’m just trying to fit in with a market, an ideal, a publisher’s ideas of what is popular and will sell?

And that is when God’s quiet voice breaks through all the noise and says, ‘Trust.’

Trust whom? The publisher? My ability? My experience? My story?

No. 

God.

If there truly was something valuable in that first version of the novel, then it came from Him. And He never changes. He can choose to use me again. Or not.

And so I bury my head in my hands as I place it before Him and let go. My fingers itch to snatch it back up, but no, I have to put my muddy clump of clay into the master potter’s hands and let Him guide my fingers, my words, my heart. I need to let my publisher guide me as the Lord guides her.

I never thought it would be so scary to let go. Or so exhilarating, freeing, and amazing. I feel like I’ve jumped off a cliff and I am free-falling, waiting for the hand of God to catch me and carry me safely to the other side.

And even if He doesn’t, I will still trust Him. I will still love Him. I will still honour and glorify Him. Because He can choose what to do with this pot He has made.

But first, I have to write that first new word. So help me, God … please guard and guide my heart for without You I am nothing.

Jenny Glazebrook lives in the country town of Gundagai with her husband, Rob and 4 children along with many pets. She is the published author of 7 novels, 1 traditionally published, and 6 self published. She writes because words burn within her. She is an experienced inspirational speaker and loves to encourage others to walk closer with God and hear His voice each day. She has a Diploma of Theology and is a 3 times CALEB finalist. Jenny’s website is: www.jennyglazebrook.com